shadow of death...

where are u?

have u not heard my cry?

have u not heard my plea?
what else must i do..

for u to come and take me away?...

away from here..

so that i can be free...

4 days to go...
with no enough money at hand...
what must i do?
what should i give?
i keep asking myself...


ano nga b? ....

im here again.. been thinking for quite some time and finally it hit me.. i should not be gloomy because of the incident.. i mean i should be.. but i should also be thankful in a way.. why?? coz im still here.. haha.. writing an entry of my so-called life...

i realized that..
if i went home after class then i would be here..
if i would be here then i must be upstairs in our room..
if i were in my room then the television would be on loud enough for me not to hear what's happening downstairs...
if i am not hearing it then i wouldn't know that ate maris(kasambahay), let a stranger inside and left to buy that person a merienda...
if i don't know that there's a stranger inside then i would still be busy watching tv..
judging by what i saw on our bed( knife), the stranger is holding a knife while going upstairs,
if i was here with the television on, i would not easily notice that stranger coz i would think that the person is ate maris..
and if i do get noticed her, then it would be a battle... hahha..
coz im a tondo girl.. i'll chop and chop then kick .. yaaahhhh.. whappakk.... battle to the fittest... hahaha..
i'll chop her.. or maybe.. the stranger will chop me.. either way.. it would remain a mystery coz im not here when that incident happened..
and now i realized that i should be grateful for that....
guess im learning from our critical thinking class... haha

there we were... me and allen( the guitar man) looking for the perfect gift for my mom coz it's her birthday on the 24th.. at first.. i was hesitant to enter the store (TUBBY) coz if we do, we're the only customers there.. and i hate being the only customer in a store coz the sales ladies will bug you in every way.. " ma'am, what can we do for you?".. "ma'am, this one is nice..."... "ma'am.." etc.. etc.. etc.. i know its their job and all but sometimes they tend to do things in an exaggerated manner.. and boy... do i hate that.. coz every time they do such things i really feel embarassed and irritated...

so anyway.. back to the story,.. i told allen that it's best to just roam around first and just come back if there are other customers inside.... so we walked.. and walked... and then came back.. luckily,, when we went back.. there was one customer, so we decided to go in.. and just like what i expected.. the price of the clothes is about 800 - 1500... and as of now.. i only have six... probably you're wondering why i prefer that store even though i dont have enough money to afford the apparels there.. the reason is really simple... i want to buy my mom something special and expensive... why expensive?? coz i want her to feel that she's precious.. maybe not to all.. but at least to me... i really feel sad everytime i see my mom wearing plain clothes with same patterns, just different colors... you see my mom is fat.. pear- shaped to be exact, so it's hard for her to find clothes that she can fit into.. luckily.. TUBBY was created... a store especially made for big people.. problem is.. their apparels are really expensive.. so my mom.. even though she really likes the things they are selling, opted on not buying coz she thinks that there could be other useful ways to spend that money... and that's my reason why i really really want to buy something for her from that store... i still have a week, and im planning on doing everything i can just to save money from my allowances to be able to buy her my special gift.... with that in mind.. allen and i decided to go home coz its already getting late.. i was happy.. everything was planned already in my thoughts... yes... everything was planned... and will forever be just a plan....

when i arrived, my tita opened the door for me and told me a very very very good news... that we've been robbed... lucky us... she asked me to check if some of my things were taken... i immediately ran up our stairs, looking for my small box where i put all my belongings... jewelries that i bought and was given to me.. and the money that i saved which was intended for my mom.. and when i opened the door.. there it was.. opened.. nothing left inside.. not even a single earring... i dont know what i should feel that moment... coz every single thing that was in there has its own story to tell... and the money... the money i was saving... gone.. gone in a snap of a finger... then i looked around and found a knife on our bed... probably was used to open the lock in our cabinet...

frankly speaking.. i dont know what to feel right now... i really don't... feeling depressed... i decided to txt the busy man, telling him that i've already arrived... and thought twice wether or not to tell him that we've been robbed... before sending, i received a txt msg from him saying that they are not yet finished and that his battery is low already... as always..still busy.. so i thought of not telling him.. but then.. i changed my mind.. send the msg. that i was about to send before... wondering... thinking... what if something bad happened to me...on that moment... is he still busy??... i guess... just now that something dreadful happened to me... he is busy.. together with his groupmates... a moment where i need his comfort very much, where i need someone to.... >sigh< ... but then.. he's not around.. and i guess... that's how its gonna be... always....

have you experienced feeling kinda lost?? drifted to a place where u know no one.. know nothing.. know no directions to take... the only thing you are sure of is that you're alone....

funny.. coz that's how i'm feeling right now.. at least that's what my mind tells me so...

can't dig up anything to say anymore...

maybe that's all for now....